I would love to have picked something super cute: a sparkly tutu; an adorable pair of Mary Janes. Or something cool: an oversized denim jacket with the collar popped, perhaps.
But no. Here is an entirely unhinged photograph of me aged four wearing a homemade (obviously) hat – strong papal vibes unintentional – embellished with drawings of my teddy (name: Ted) and with actual Ted himself affixed to the hat. I am also wearing two anchoring hair slides because of the weight of this magnificent creation. This is a look that speaks to the boundless creativity of childhood, of making your own fun as the rest of the family snoozes in the late afternoon sun, in a time before the attention economy was monopolised by algorithms.
I am holding my favourite stuffed toy, an elephant named Elephant (shut up). Elephant is wearing his own similarly styled hat, but he has his own likeness on it. I agree that this could be said to lack humility on Elephant’s part, but I should also point out that Mick Jagger is frequently photographed in Rolling Stones T-shirts. American art collective MSCHF think they are being outre with their Big Red Boot, but nothing since circa 1994 (when this picture was taken, on a holiday in Mallorca) has come close to the majestic whimsy of these hats. Nothing.
Fashion is a notoriously circular phenomenon. I see gen Z wearing the same outfits I did as a teenager, and few things are more humbling than finding out that clothes you stopped wearing not long ago are now considered “vintage pieces”. But you will not find these hats on Depop. If there were any justice in the world, you would find them in the Costume Institute at the Met.
I still love a hat. Like all women who sleep with women, I am no stranger to a Carhartt beanie; and I have recently entered my Cap Era. I like to think I’m giving “off-duty celebrity”, but it is possible that I am giving “undercover cop being very bad at being undercover”.
There are other elements from my juvenescent style that I retain: mostly a deep and enduring love of corduroy in all its forms, sweatshirts louder than the sun, and trousers that are oversized (but these days purposely so) – but my DIY approach to accessories is no longer. I stopped at beaded friendship bracelets and “personalising” my jelly shoes with permanent marker as a tween – so I have a lot of respect for adults who knit their own clothes and tie-dye old T-shirts, YouTube tutorial playing in the background. But, look, sometimes you just have to quit while you – and your toy elephant – are ahead.