Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, “Lynn,” and I have a 4-year-old daughter, “Mackenzie.” Two weeks ago, Mackenzie’s goldfish died while she was at daycare. Lynn’s reaction has left me questioning things.
To start, Lynn pulled our daughter out of daycare and brought her home so she could “process” the death of the fish. Now she thinks Mackenzie should have a few therapy sessions as well! Mackenzie was sad for a few days. But over the weekend, we got her a new fish, and she seems to have moved on.
I think Lynn is the one who needs a shrink if she actually believes our daughter needs professional help over something this minor. It’s really becoming a point of contention between us. Part of me wants to stand my ground against wasting money on something so insignificant, but another part of me says it might be worth it to get my wife to shut up about this. Which is the best option?
—She Lost a Fish, Not a Limb
Dear She Lost a Fish,
While your wife’s reaction might be a little dramatic (particularly taking your daughter out of school), there’s no inherent harm in taking this moment seriously. This is, ostensibly, your daughter’s first experience with death and loss, which can be very hard for a child to process. I’m of the opinion that most people can benefit from therapy, including children. Speaking to a professional can help your daughter develop critical emotional regulation and coping skills and may enhance her ability to communicate her feelings. There’s no harm in sending her for a couple of sessions. At her age, I would consider play therapy, which will place her in a fun, comfortable environment. Therapy can give your child a leg up when it comes to processing difficult events, and a professional may be better suited to support her than you and her mom are in this moment. If you just refuse to agree with your wife that therapy is needed, that’s on you, but please don’t categorize her instincts as “crazy,” because she’s simply trying to make sure your daughter has the tools she needs to be happy and well adjusted.
—Jamilah
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My wife and I fight a lot. We try to keep perspective. For instance, it’s hard to imagine that any couple with two stressful full-time jobs, little kids, and limited resources wouldn’t be fighting a bunch. At a minimum, on a Monday morning, fighting can sometimes seem necessary just to push away the exhaustion and start moving. We’re not like the people on Facebook. We don’t get vacations. Years ago, I used to yell a lot during fights. Now, strangely, she’s sometimes louder and more aggressive than me. Due to our past, however, I’ll always be branded “the angry one.”