Question
My three-year-old girl can freak out when we try to wash her hair. She can be playing happily in the bath water with her toys, but the minute I try to wash her hair, she can get distressed and try to get out of the bath.
I once tried to force the issue and wash her hair. That was a mistake as she got really upset and her hair didn’t really get done. Now she is reluctant to even get into the bath. I am not sure what to do next. I have to wash her hair at some point. She has always been a difficult enough child – she cried a lot as a baby and was hard to settle at night. She is really sensitive and is easily upset and has lots of fears.
She is similar to her six-year-old cousin and my sister told me she got diagnosed as autistic a few weeks ago. This makes me wonder about my own girl, though my main focus is trying to find a way to get her hair washed.
Answer
Many young children find it distressing to have their hair washed and there can be lots of different reasons for this. Some hate the sensory experience of water running through their hair, or the sensation of their scalp being massaged or the smell and texture of the shampoo. Some might have a specific phobia related to hair washing such as a fear of water/shampoo getting in their eyes, or falling backwards when their head is tilted. This fear may have been caused a by a previous traumatic experience in the bath which now gets triggered even at the prospect of hair washing.
The specific fears and sensory sensitivities that might underpin your daughter’s reaction to hair washing do occur much more frequently for autistic children and this is something you may wish to consider now or as she gets older. However, with or without a diagnosis there are many practical ways you can compassionately help your daughter tolerate hair washing.
Though tempting to do as a parent, “pushing through” with hair washing (or any other physical task) when a child is agitated or distressed can be problematic as it can create traumatic association and make the child more fearful than before. Instead it is important to first empathically understand what is going on for your daughter so you can then choose a more thoughtful and compassionate response.
For example, what specifically is causing her distress?
Take time to observe closely and reflect about what is going on for her. Is it a sensory issue, a phobia or both? It is good that she enjoys splashing in the bath with her toys which means that she likes the sensory experience of sitting in the bath and does not have a specific fear of water. This is something you can build upon. Below are some of common solutions that might help:
- Change the shampoo to one that is extra gentle or has a different scent or texture. Let your daughter play with the shampoo first to see if she likes it.
- If she is worried about water going in her eyes, consider using a shampoo visor or wearing goggles, or using a jug with a slow-flow lip.
- If she is distressed about her head going backwards, consider washing her hair with her head lying forwards
- Away from the bath, explore what touch she likes on her hair and on her scalp. Maybe she likes light caresses and dislikes a heavier scrub, or maybe it is the other way round. Make a game of it and take turns touching each other’s head and hair to see what she likes.
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Reintroduce hair washing slowly and gradually. This might mean that you:
- Start with playing with water and toys in the bath and avoid hair washing – you might do this a few times so she rebuilds up her fun association with washing.
- Next, let her wash her doll’s hair using the shampoo you might use with her. Closely observe how she washes the doll’s hair as this will give you clues as to how she would like her own hair done.
- Let her see you washing your own hair, with you describing the steps and what you like. Listen carefully to what she says as she watches, which might reveal her own preferences.
- Ask her to help you wash your hair and see if you can make this into a fun game, which might become a turn-taking game when she is ready.
- With her permission, start washing part of her hair – maybe the ends or one side only. Progress slowly (perhaps over several attempts) to wash more hair and clean her scalp. Closely tune into what she can tolerate and go at her pace.
Remember to go slow at her pace, inviting her to be in control and make choices where possible.